Sickipedia

My missus wasn't best pleased with her christmas gift, and told me to put it where the sun don't shine... So I've been in Scotland since christmas day.

Yearly check ups at the doctors can greatly improve your chances of catching prostate cancer... Why the fuck would I want to improve my chances of catching prostate cancer?

My wife just complained that some guy said to her, "You could fit a bus in there, love!" outside the gynecologists... They must be busy if they're doing examinations in the car park.

As a boy before going out alone, my mum would always say, "Think like a paedophile." Kept me out of danger growing up... Landed me in prison when I was 18.

I just called my mate, I said, "Going to be a bit late, pal. Need to drop the kids off at the swimming pool." He said, "Use my toilet if you want." I said, "Cheers buddy, but I think they've got their heart set on the swimming pool."

I was playing with my neighbours kids this morning. They reported me to the police in absolute disgust.. My own fault really, I should have know Saturday would be the day they come and visit the graves.

I'll never forget what my mother-in-law said to me as she caught me staring into space at my wife's funeral.... "Can you put your telescope away and come and comfort your kids."

I remember running home from school everyday excited to see Hulk Hogan pound someone in the ring... That was the only sex tape I had.

Hulk Hogan's final will stated that his heart be donated to the Heart Foundation... Not sure what Bret's gonna do with it.

I was shocked to see the ball boys collecting up the balls from the women's penalties in the lionesses last match v Sweden... I'd left 20 minutes earlier to beat the traffic.