Sickipedia

Got into an argument with my local chip shop owner last night. At one stage he started shaking his fist and shouting, “Do you want a fucking a portion?. Assuming he was trying to make amends I said, “Yes, mate”. … hospital food isn’t half as bad as people make out.

My dad came into the pub last night and started shooting his mouth off. That’s what happens if you have Parkinson’s when playing out a scene from 'The Deer Hunter'.

Told my mate, “I’ve organised a street party to celebrate the birth of baby Archie.” He said, "Didn’t know you were a monarchist.” I said, “I’m not, it’s my way of getting people out their houses so I can nick their stuff.”

"You mean to say Holmes, this fat black, jazz singer, was the murderer all along?" "Ella Fitzgerald, my dear Watson."

A man went into a library and asked for a book on 'Probability'. The Librarian said, "It might be on that shelf over there."

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again. I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

Freddie Starr dies aged 76 Knew if I waited long enough, he’d finally make me laugh.

If I had a pound for every time someone asked how much the items were in my shop. I’d be working in a Pound Shop.

What was Danny Baker thinking posting that tweet of a man and woman holding hands with a chimp, that had the title ‘Royal baby leaves hospital’. What a terrible error of judgement. The couple are both white ffs!

Jess Phillips and Beth Tweddle walk into a bar .... looking for their sister Cinderella.