Sickipedia

If you commit one or one thousand sins you will go to hell. I am going to commit one million sins and enter hell a legend.

Wolverine was so named because he is a cross between a wolf and a nectarine. I will not take any questions at this time.

Me : do you ever get sad because some dogs may need glasses to see properly but they can't tell anyone. Bank teller : this is a bank

Breast milk is just tit piss.

I always carry a pen so when somebody asks me for a pen I can always oblige. People who carry pens hold their shit together.

I saw an ant crawling on the kitchen floor so I placed a sugar cube in its path and the ant studied the cube then turned around and walked off, no doubt to go and tell its friends where a hearty meal was. I then removed the sugar cube so when it did return with its friends they would all think it was a liar. Get out of that one hee hee

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says "can you make me one with everything?"

I'm currently helping my son look for his bag of sweets which I ate earlier.

Solicitor in court - "I can prove my client was at home on the evening in question, I can read out his search history to the court" Me - "that's not necessary, I confess to the murder"

People who fall asleep on public transport fear nothing. I admire them.