Sickipedia

I went into an explosives shop yesterday and tried to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.

Can’t believe my missus said she was leaving me because I was ‘too kinky’. I almost choked on my own spunk.

‘Better out than in’ my dad used to say. Great father, terrible heart surgeon.

I got my Mogwai wet and fed it after midnight but nothing happened. I think my wife might be right. It is just a gerbil.

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

I'm doing my bit to help thwart film piracy by standing up in the cinema every 10 minutes during a film and shouting bollocks.

"What am I going to do?" cried my tearful elderly relative. "My winter allowance won't cover my gas bill?" "But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people," she sniffled. "But the bill's nearly 43 grand!" I scoffed. "Just how many puddings have you been making, Aunt Bessie?"

The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

I can tell if a girl has a good sense of humour, just by feeling her breasts.

I tried to have sex with a Great White shark once, but lost my erection.. my leg, and half my arse.