Sickipedia

"What am I going to do?" cried my tearful elderly relative. "My winter allowance won't cover my gas bill?" "But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people," she sniffled. "But the bill's nearly 43 grand!" I scoffed. "Just how many puddings have you been making, Aunt Bessie?"

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis. That priest is in jail now.

World: We're gonna use the scale where 0 deg is freezing and 100 deg is boiling. America: Cool, we're gonna use the one that doesn't make sense.

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

I went into an explosives shop yesterday and tried to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.

When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

I'm doing my bit to help thwart film piracy by standing up in the cinema every 10 minutes during a film and shouting bollocks.

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?" The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Instead of ‘British Summer Time’ and ‘Greenwich Mean Time’ why not just call it ‘Oven Clock Correct Time’ and Oven Clock One Hour Out Time’

The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.