Sickipedia

I'm sick and tired of Facebook friends inviting me to yet another 'watch party'. I own a perfectly good Timex, and I don't need another one!

It has been revealed that the NHS will still be working on Coronavirus cases until the end of November. The Prime Minister, medics and nurses will then take a ‘rest & relaxation’ break during the month of December, when their duties will be taken over by Santa and the National Elf Service.

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to win £8m on the lottery this week? You'd be all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Guest complained to hotel manager: Guest: "Do you know there's hasn't been any toilet paper in my bathroom for the past three days?" Manager: "Why did you wait three days? You've got a tongue in your head, haven't you" Guest: "Yeah, but I don't have a neck like a fucking giraffe."

School child: Please Miss, this morning my cat was sleeping, so I pissed in her ear, and she woke up. Teacher: ‘What???’ School child: My cat was sleeping, so I pissed in her ear, and she woke up. Teacher: ‘You did what???’ School child: My cat was sleeping, so I bent down and went ‘psssst’ in her ear, and she woke up.

A GB athlete broke the 5km female parkrun world record by one second at the weekend, managing to beat off a stiff challenge from the Black Cab Rapist, who was right behind her all the way.

France awards D-Day veteran, 98, the Legion d'Honneur. “I was totally shocked at first, and was quite sure the French Government had made a mistake. I'm no hero. The real heroes on D-Day were the men who didn't come back. However, I am both proud and grateful to accept this honour on behalf of my fallen comrades,” said Obergruppenführer Franz Schmidt.

Chinese party leaders systematically misled their citizens (and put Boris’s hospital building programme in a sweat) by boasting they would build a 1,000-bed hospital in seven days. You can relax, Boris! It took the lying commie bastards TEN days.

The Remainers were right when they warned catastrophe would follow our departure from the EU. 31 January: We exited the EU. 2 February: France stuffs England.

Andy Murray has been called up by the Scotland team boss to play centre forward in the Euro playoffs, as he has a proven record for regularly hitting the back of the net.