Sickipedia

I phoned my local radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "Wahoo!" I shouted in delight. "It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling confident?" "I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied. "Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?" "7," I replied.

My daughter's school teacher rang me today. She said, "Sarah didnt turn up for school today, is everything okay?" I said, "Her mother died last night I'm afraid, she's still trying to get to grip with things." "Oh no, how's she's getting on?" She asked. "Very well," I replied. "She's just made tea and is on her second load of washing."

This is a Palestinian style attack....Car ramming through a crowd and then a knife assault. Let's not jump to conclu.......aaaaaaand it's Muslims!

My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more. I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

I burst into a hotel last with an unconscious young girl over my shoulder. "Quick!" I shouted, "I think she's take an overdose of drugs!" "Shall I phone an ambulance?" The receptionist panicked. "No," I replied. "I want a room!"

I poked my head over my sexy neighbours fence earlier to see her sun bathing in her bikini. "You're gorgeous!" I said with a wink, "I hope you know how to do CPR." "Why, because I've taken your breathe away?" She asked, winking back. "No," I replied. "Because I've just ran your son over out front."

I wore my favourite black suit to my wife's funeral. I fucking love my Batman costume.

My neighbour knocked at my door in the early hours this morning. He said, "Your car alarm has been going off all night mate, I've got a work in a few hours and had no sleep." "Stop worrying," I replied. "I've got a steering lock on it."

I looked down the stairs last night to see a Muslim wearing a turban taking money that was left on our fire place. I grabbed the hammer from my tool box in the bedroom, before dashing down the stairs, smashing him in the back of the head with it, taking him by surprise. As I stood watching the blood seep through the back of his turban as he lay flat on his face, I quickly realised... My wife had just got out the bath.

A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night - "Wanna buy me a few drinks?" she asked. Of course," I replied shooting to the bar. After she had drunk 5 vodkas within 10 minutes, I gave her a nudge - "I bet you're the type of girl that uses men to get drunk and gives nothing in return, aren't you?" I asked. "You've got me all figured out," she smirked. "Well not tonight!" I replied, waving an empty Rohypnol box in her face.