Sickipedia

Like Charles Dickens' other novels, "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally published in serial form, in this case in two local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Until recently, fathers of girls marrying into the Royal Family had to swear that their daughters were. "I swear to you that I exercised self-restraint," said Diana's father

Continuation of joke (read first part before this). At closing time that night, he's retrieving the last of the glasses from the beer garden when the ghost of the rabbit appears. "I know, I know, you've come back to haunt me," says the landlord. "I shouldn't have let you have all that drink." "No, I've come back to reassure you," says the rabbit. "It wasn't the booze that killed me." "Oh no? So what was it, then?" "Mixing my toasties."

A pub landlord is clearing empty glasses from his beer garden one afternoon when a voice says, "Got any food?" He turns round and is shocked to see a rabbit talking to him. "You want some rabbit food?" he asks. "No, proper food, like steak and chips," says the rabbit. "My cook's gone home for the afternoon," says the landlord. "I could do you a sandwich." "Haven't you got anything hot?" "How about a toastie?" says the landlord. "I've got cheese, jam and ham." "OK, I'll have a ham toastie and a pint of bitter - take it out of that," says the rabbit, taking a £20 note out of his fur. The bewildered landlord takes the money and returns with the order. Half an hour later, he finds the rabbit somewhat the worse for wear. "Ah, lanlorth," he says, "I'll have a sheese toashtie and another bint of pitter." "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" says the landlord. "No, donth worry about me. I can take my thrink." So the landlord brings him what he's asked for. Half an hour later, the rabbit is paralytic. "Lanlorsh," he says. "I'll have a zham toashtie and another pinth of butter." "Now look," says the landlord, "you're only a little rabbit. All this alcohol could kill you." The rabbit pleads that it isn't often he has the money for a good session, so the landlord gives in and serves him. Half an hour later, he returns to find the rabbit dead. End of the joke follows shortly.

"Unwanted Yorkshire cats sent to London" - BBC news. Whenever any of her cats had kittens, my Yorkshire granny always made sure they stayed in the county. In a sack at the bottom of the River Aire, to be precise.

I've never smoked, drunk alcohol, done drugs or associated with loose women and I'm as fit as a fiddle. I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday tomorrow. Although fuck knows how.

I've just been attacked by the milkman. He threw milk, butter and eggs at me. How dairy!

It's reported that passengers on a train in Wimbledon "self-evacuated" when a man started reading passages from the Bible out loud. Why not just say they shot themselves and have done with it?

How do we English demonstrate our patriotism? By commemorating some foreigner who contributed to the extinction of an endangered species.

Last time I ate in a restaurant in France, I found a fly in my soup. Showing off my French, I told the waiter there was "un mouche dans ma soupe." He corrected me, telling me that it was "une mouche." Say what you like about the Frogs, but they've got fucking good eyesight.