Sickipedia

A man, sick and tired with the “hustle and bustle” of life decides he wants some tranquility in life...After careful consideration he decides to become a Monk, so he finds a Monastery on the outskirts, speaks with the Abbot expliaining his predicament and search for peace. The Abbot agrees to let him join but says “Here, we take a vow of silence, you will speak only 2 words every 7 years!” The man agrees and the Abbot accepts him as a monk and tells him to go about his holy duty...The new monk goes straight to it, remaining silent, cutting the lawn, tending to the flowers, reading the bible etc...Eventually, 7 years have passed, the Abbot approaches the monk and says “You may now speak your first two words” and the monk says “Cold floors” the abbot tells him that they will buy slippers, and to continue with his vow of silence...Another 7 years of silence pass and the abbot approaches the asks the monk his next two words, and the monk replies “Bad food”, the abbot says “Ok, we will try to improve our kitchen, please observe your vow of silence again”, so the monk goes back to his duties...Finally, another 7 years pass, the monk had now been there for 21 years when the abbot asks his next two words to which the monk says “I quit!” And the Abbot says “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but fucking complain since you got here!”

So I went to the Zoo at the weekend, just out of boredom, went to the Gorilla enclosure and seen they only had one female Gorilla in there, and she seemed a bit lonely...I asked the Zookeeper what the deal was and he said “They’re just too expensive, we can’t afford to get anymore” I thought how sad that was but then he said “But look, we want more in there to keep her company so, how about this? For two and half grand, you get in there with her, give her a shag, get her up the pole and boom, we’ll have another Gorilla in there to keep her company”, I laughed it off obviously and walked away but it stuck in my mind, so I caught up with the zookeeper a bit later and said “Alright, listen, I thought about it and...I’ll do it but I have 3 conditions! One, I’m not kissing the fucking thing! Two, No one, and I mean fucking NO ONE can find out about it! And three, I’ll need about a month to raise the two and half grand!!”

A Duck walks into a bar and says "Pint of Guinness please" The Barman looks in shock and says "Jaysus, you're a Duck!" and the Duck says "I can see your eyes work!" and the Barman replies "And you can TALK!!" and the Duck says "Ah I can see your bleedin' ears are working as well!" The Barman says "I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend! I'm just fascinated! I want to know all about ya! What do you do?!" and the Duck says "I'm a Plasterer, I'm just finished a job and I'm just here for a Pint", the Barman, totally astonished says "D'ya know where you'd be great! I've the perfect Job for ya!" The Duck says "Really?? Where! I'm always lookin for the next nixer!" The Barman says "THE CIRCUS!!" To which the Duck says "The Circus?! The place with the big Tent??" Barman says "Yeah" And the Duck responds "The place with the Canvas in the middle of it?!" and again the Barman says "YEAH!!" The Duck says "And the same place with all the scaffolding holding up the tent?!" The Barman says "YES!!" And the Duck replies "WHAT THE FUCK WOULD THE BLEEDIN CIRCUS WANT WITH A PLASTERER!"