Sickipedia

Met this girl at a party. She said people called her Vivaldi. I asked " Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She said " No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

I was walking the dog this morning at 10am when I heard a noise from the lake, I went to investigate and saw 'Theresa' May'waving her arms about obviously in difficulty in the water and going to drown. Being a responsible citizen I immediately went home and summoned the authorities. its 11PM now, and no one has attended, I fear I might have wasted a stamp.

I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said just before he popped his clogs. "I wonder what'll happen if I stick a pin in my inflatable Dutch footwear?"

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb? The correct term is 'replace', actually.

A new vibrator has gone on sale.It's so realistic that just before the women reaches orgasm it cums,coughs,farts, goes limp then switches itself off!..

I was fuming when my family clubbed together to get me some psychiatry vouchers for my birthday. I wanted a dead kitten.

Government to update sex education classes, to cover topics like sexting, online porn, and everything else kids might need to become an MP......

My mate Rudy, apart from being a communist is also a weather man. My wife was complaining about his forecasting skills, saying that he didn't know the difference between snow, rain, hail or sleet. I said I think you'll find Rudolf the Red knows rain dear.