Sickipedia

Just saw the stroke advert on the TV... I know exactly what to do now if I see someone with their forehead on fire!

I was pumping away on my new girlfriend last night, when I looked at her face, she looked really surprised. So I stopped pumping, deflated her and put her back in the box. I'll take her back today, I want one that looks scared.

How easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew? a) don't b) leave it

I got pulled over by the police yesterday."Do you know why I've stopped you sir?"I said "Listen mate I already pay your wage, I'm not doing your fuckin' job for you as well."

I love it when the clocks go forward. It means when I'm having sex, I last for 1 hour and 30 seconds. I like this!

I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger.As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating."I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out.Knocking some poor cunt off his motorbike.

"Are you a parking ticket?" is said to Chinese girl in the pub last night "Why because I've got fine written all over me?" "No" I replied "because your an annoying yellow cunt."

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they try and vote again for independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

I'm sat here wondering how Noel Edmonds has not been implicated in the kiddy fiddling investigation. Look at the evidence.1. He held a house party each week with children always invited to play with 'Mr Blobby'.2. He has a fucking beard.