Sickipedia

The twang of an elasticated suspender belt as she adjusts the height of her seamed silk stockings is a favourite sound to any heterosexual man in the bedroom. For Wayne Rooney however, it’s the clunk of a pair of dentures as they hit the bottom of a glass of Sterident on the bedside table.

If Steve Wright died of pulmonary decease then a coughin’ (no g) is, ironically, just what he needs.

It was Quinten’s birthday last week so I invited him to come on a bender. Oooooooooh!

Jonathan Ross, wanting to know what seed Andy Murray would be at this year’s Wimbledon, asked how he ranks. The official response from the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club is; “Like any other miserable ginger Scottish cunt... with his right hand”.

Will you please stop having a pop at Max Mosley. He was an honest family man with high moral standards and doesn’t deserve any of these cheap snidey comments. Nobody in their reich mind should criticise him.

There’s as much chance of me giving up my premier Pornhub subscription as there is of a Glaswegian trying a kale & quinoa salad.

I have no sympathy for that nine-year-old struck by lightning recently. Given the current climate he really should’ve been self isolating.

Gemma Collins is bringing out a John Lennon tribute single: Give Pies a Chance.

It’s been reported that Manchester United are satisfied to have come second in the Premier League. Isn’t that a bit like sucking the spunk off the cock of your wife’s lover, and claiming you have a great sex life?

Svetofor’s demographic. They’re said to be pitching at a level that’s somewhere between Aldi and shoplifting.