Sickipedia

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock. Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers. "We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them. The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."

I walked into the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed. Looking at her lifeless corpse, I decided to pull out my cock and have one last go. Right in the middle, she opened her eyes and yelled BOO! Some people are fucking sick in the head.

Research shows that the Amish have a lower rate of cyber bullying.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly, so to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I was standing beside a woman at the bus stop. "When's it due?", I asked. "I'm not pregnant, you prick!", she shouted. I replied, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt."

You are walking in the forest and find a recently raped naked girl on the ground. What do you do? Change your route because you're clearly walking in a circle.

Merry Christmas everyone! As you sit down with your family about to dig into your lovely Christmas dinner, spare a thought for a child in Africa who is experiencing much nicer weather than we are. Lucky bastard!

I walked into the pharmacy and I said to the clerk, "Hi, I'd like to purchase some birth control for my eleven year old daughter". "Your eleven year old daughter is sexually active?", she asked. "No, she just lays there like her mother."

I hate it when people ask me if I'm drunk or on drugs. You don't need alcohol or drugs to have fun. But yes I am, actually.