Sickipedia

Shark, Lobster, Crab, Scouser. Which is the odd one out?... .....Shark, the others wear shellsuits & pinch like fuck.

Me and my flat chested wife visited a marriage guidance counsellor recently. The counsellor asked us, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

Keir Starmer is out jogging and accidently falls into a river. Three young lads saw the accident and without a second thought jump in and drag out the scared and soaking Starmer. "Lads, you've saved my life and you all deserve a reward. You name it and I'll give it to you", said Starmer. First lad says, "I'd like a holiday to Disneyland". Starmer says, "certainly." Second lad says, "I'd like the latest Xbox and a new TV." Starmer says, "no problem." Third lad says, "I'd like a wheelchair with built in Wi-Fi and stereo attached to it." Starmer says, "HEY....but you're not handicapped." The lad replies, "not yet but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

They say your first car is as memorable as your first kiss. Mine was an old banger that had been round the block more than a few times and stank of piss.... .......can't for the life of me remember what the car was though!

If you spend all of your spare time making belts out of old watch straps, would that be a waist of time?

I must be getting old, I was watching a porn movie yesterday and thought, "that bed looks comfortable". *Credit to the great Jimmy Carr

Teach your child about the Labour party by making them clean the bathroom. Pay them £10 for their work. The take £7 of it back off them, and give the neighbour's kids the £7 for doing absolutely fuck all.

If Bugs Bunny had a computer, would his password be 1rabbit1? Credit to BigZav for the inspiration

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said, "It must be very stressful for your wife". I said, "To be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits."

The wife's sister knocked me out earlier. I was so fucking angry. What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?