Sickipedia

I must be getting old, I was watching a porn movie yesterday and thought, "that bed looks comfortable". *Credit to the great Jimmy Carr

Me and my flat chested wife visited a marriage guidance counsellor recently. The counsellor asked us, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

Keir Starmer is out jogging and accidently falls into a river. Three young lads saw the accident and without a second thought jump in and drag out the scared and soaking Starmer. "Lads, you've saved my life and you all deserve a reward. You name it and I'll give it to you", said Starmer. First lad says, "I'd like a holiday to Disneyland". Starmer says, "certainly." Second lad says, "I'd like the latest Xbox and a new TV." Starmer says, "no problem." Third lad says, "I'd like a wheelchair with built in Wi-Fi and stereo attached to it." Starmer says, "HEY....but you're not handicapped." The lad replies, "not yet but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said, "It must be very stressful for your wife". I said, "To be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits."

Shark, Lobster, Crab, Scouser. Which is the odd one out?... .....Shark, the others wear shellsuits & pinch like fuck.

The wife's sister knocked me out earlier. I was so fucking angry. What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?

They say your first car is as memorable as your first kiss. Mine was an old banger that had been round the block more than a few times and stank of piss.... .......can't for the life of me remember what the car was though!

If you spend all of your spare time making belts out of old watch straps, would that be a waist of time?

It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley. Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're shite and we can't be bothered". Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on. "Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes!”

Teach your child about the Labour party by making them clean the bathroom. Pay them £10 for their work. The take £7 of it back off them, and give the neighbour's kids the £7 for doing absolutely fuck all.