Sickipedia

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face

Everton should take on the McCanns for the new vacancy… Only lost one in Europe.

I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want to have anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him. His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight cunt.

What's the difference between cigarettes and Eastern European murderers? You can only bring 200 cigarettes into the UK before the authorities start asking questions!

I tried to warn my Facebook friends that Facebook was down but I couldn't get on the site.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II. He doesn't talk about it, though.

"Sorry, I'm sweating like a nigger on a rape charge." "That's not a problem. Would you like me to ask you the question again?" "Yes please." "To the charges regarding racism in the workplace, do you plead guilty, or not guilty?"

It made me chuckle

What does my dick and my girlfriend have in common? They're both small and I beat the shit out of them everyday.