Sickipedia

A Russian couple were strolling down the street in Moscow, when the husband felt a drop hit his nose. 'I think it's starting to rain,' he said to his wife. 'I don't think so, it felt more like snow to me,' she replied. 'No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said.' Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 'Let's not fight about it,' the man said, 'let's ask the Comrade whether it's officially raining or snowing.' As the official approached, the husband stopped him and asked, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?' 'It's raining, of course,' he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: 'I know that felt like snow!' To which the man quietly replied: 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

I've been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo... I won't get fuelled again.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her phone and started talking in a loud voice. "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. The man sitting next to her had enough, so he leaned over and said into the phone .......... "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her phone in public any longer.

Several men are in the locker room of the golf club. A mobile phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." "How much?" "£90,000." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £580,000 for it." "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra thirty thousand if it's what you really want." "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks ................ "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... then walked home .... and left it there all night. (You gotta love Frank!)

getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isnt the worst thing thats happened to me today. But it's definitely up there. (dad jokes, facebook)

bloke walks into a crowded pub, points to the crowd on the left, and says 'you lot are wankers', points to the crowd on the right and says 'you lot are cunts', has a drink and leaves. does the same thing again the following night, you lot on the left are wankers,you lot on the right are cunts. goes in the third night, says the same thing again, this time a 7ft skinhead says 'oi, im not a wanker, to which the guy replies, 'well getover there then' pointing to his right.

That Phillip Schofield advert with him playing with the kitten is very misleading I thought he hated pussies?

On payday each Friday I like to take £100 out of my bank account and see how many days I can last on it. My record is 4 so far......................hours

BTW have I told you I have early signs of dementia? BTW, Have i told you I have early signs of dementia? BTW, Have i told you I have early signs of dementia?