Sickipedia

i like my women like i like my whiskey, twelve years old and full of alcohol.

Bobby Ball arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by God and St paul. Paul says 'welcome to heaven Bobby, you were a great comedian'. Bobby replies, ' thanks but i was also a russian spy, for 30 years, and ive come to blow up heaven'. Paul says, ' 'oh no we need James Bond to save us' God says, hang on a minute, I'll get someone.....................

I released three helium-filled balloons yesterday, but I dont know how I feel about my decision. Its all up in the air

whats the difference between rape and football? Women dont like football as told by Jimmy Carr

I've been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo... I won't get fuelled again.

What if this corona virus is just an april fools joke made by every countries government, and they will tell us next week..................................................mark me down guys!

I went out to put the bins out about 8pm, got a round of applause. nice neighbours...............

What if this corona virus is just an april fools joke made by every countries government, and they will tell us next week..................................................mark me down guys!

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... then walked home .... and left it there all night. (You gotta love Frank!)

Several men are in the locker room of the golf club. A mobile phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." "How much?" "£90,000." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £580,000 for it." "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra thirty thousand if it's what you really want." "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks ................ "Anyone know whose phone this is?"