Sickipedia

I walked into a pub before and saw a dwarf holding a shot glass. I said, "Are you enjoying your pint, mate?"

I built a time machine... Every time I use it I have restart building the fucker again.

I've always been told that if you manage to make a girl laugh, she'll sleep with you. Which I have now proven to be complete bull shit: I took this girl back to mine, showed her my cock, she laughed and fucked off home.

We should have done something 2 weeks ago when children were murdered at a concert by these Islamic scumbags. Anyway, here's a joke: These Muslims have really been busy with terrorism these past couple of months... They've been running us rag head.

A policeman came up to me while I was walking through the park earlier "Excuse me, sir" he said, "I'm searching for a man; he's wearing a tracksuit, got a beard, about 5'10 - have you seen anyone matching that description?" "No I haven't" I replied, "I'll keep an eye out though, can't be many cunts around with a beard that fucking long."

I was in the pub with my mates the other night. "Hey Dave," I said "I'll buy you drinks for the rest of the night if you manage to get a blowjob out of that Thai bird at the bar." "You're on." he said, slamming his glass on the table. 10 minutes later he comes back: "That was fucking easy" he said while wiping the spunk from around his mouth, "Pint of Guinness please."

I was standing next to a bloke who stunk of shit before. "I think you really need to wipe your arse, mate." I said. "I'll start to when you leave the cubicle." he replied.

I was so pissed off when I found out the girl I fucked the other night lied about her age when she was really 15... She told me she was 12.

"Oi Dickhead" I said to a bloke in the pub, "You've just robbed my chair, you cunt" "Do you want to take it outside?" He said. "Nah, I'd much rather sit on it in here." I replied.

My dad always said: it's the width that matters, not the length. Lovely man, shit track runner.