Sickipedia

God: *handing out brains* me: ohh can I have a wooden one? god: erm sure whatever [later] me: *dumb as fuck* I thought he said trains!!

Hello? is it me you're looking for?" "Yes Lionel , it is you cunt, now I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave Sea World now because we've had reports that you've been dancing on the fucking sea lion. "

Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not..

TOP TIP: If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my advice, hit it with a ship..I've seen people do that, it works!

Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelded great!

Make Christmas more entertaining by sending a Christmas card to your neighbours with things like "To the prick with the noisy dog hope you have a shite Xmas " Then sign it from an other nob of a neighbour.

I woke my girlfriend in the middle of the night and told her I was stressed and that only a blowjob would help... She said, “Where are you going to find a cock to suck at three o’clock in the morning?

My new love interest told me she's had enough of my CB obsession and is refusing to take my calls. I think its over,over.

Growing old has learned me that you don't really need fun to have alcohol.