Sickipedia

Make Christmas more entertaining by sending a Christmas card to your neighbours with things like "To the prick with the noisy dog hope you have a shite Xmas " Then sign it from an other nob of a neighbour.

I woke my girlfriend in the middle of the night and told her I was stressed and that only a blowjob would help... She said, “Where are you going to find a cock to suck at three o’clock in the morning?

My new love interest told me she's had enough of my CB obsession and is refusing to take my calls. I think its over,over.

Growing old has learned me that you don't really need fun to have alcohol.

You can only get away with "It's for your own good" until a child is four... After that, you need more justification for stealing their chocolate.

TOP TIP: If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my advice, hit it with a ship..I've seen people do that, it works!

I got a self-help dvd for Christmas...It was called "How to handle disappointment." When I opened the box, it was fucking empty!

My favorite word is "Apparently". Makes anything sound sarcastic... He's intelligent, apparently..

I fucking hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong.. Anyway, I'm off to buy a hammer, a nail, some jelly, and a ceiling..

Let`s simplify this.... Deliver a bottle of wine and a pizza to me every night unless I call..