Sickipedia

God: *handing out brains* me: ohh can I have a wooden one? god: erm sure whatever [later] me: *dumb as fuck* I thought he said trains!!

Hello? is it me you're looking for?" "Yes Lionel , it is you cunt, now I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave Sea World now because we've had reports that you've been dancing on the fucking sea lion. "

Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not..

TOP TIP: If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my advice, hit it with a ship..I've seen people do that, it works!

Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelded great!

You can only get away with "It's for your own good" until a child is four... After that, you need more justification for stealing their chocolate.

I got a self-help dvd for Christmas...It was called "How to handle disappointment." When I opened the box, it was fucking empty!

My favorite word is "Apparently". Makes anything sound sarcastic... He's intelligent, apparently..

I fucking hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong.. Anyway, I'm off to buy a hammer, a nail, some jelly, and a ceiling..