Sickipedia

There was a robbery at the local jam factory last night. The thieves broke in after they realised the door was a jar.

Picked up a Chinese last night. -He said, "Aaah, you no do that, you put me down!".

I'm currently reading a book on flypaper... -I can't put it down!

Saw a band last night who insisted on walking on and off the stage 8 times and flicking the light switch before playing their first song. The singer stepped up to the mic and said, "Hello, we're OCDC!".

John Torode has been sacked from Masterchef after using an "extremely offensive racist term". He denies having any recollection of doing so. The complainant, former contestant Bocker Glory, has declined to comment.

What kind of cheese do you use to blindfold a horse? -Couple of slices of Edam works well in my experience.

A man was swimming in the sea when an aggressive flatfish bit him on the toe. After a lengthy struggle, he was just about able to shake it off and retreat to the shore at the base of a cliff. Unfortunately for the man, the cliff face appeared entirely intraversable and meanwhile the flatfish was lying in wait for the man, should he return to the water. -He was stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.

Just took the kids to see the new Minecraft movie- they've come away disappointed. It's part of a new exhibit at the National Coal Mining Museum...

Things have gone from bad to worse for the victims of the attack in Boulder, Colorado as they've just been handed a $60 fine for smoking in a public area!

Just seen the story about all the asylum seekers staying in a hotel in Hull. Hopefully someone will answer their pleas and allow them to return home!