Sickipedia

There was a robbery at the local jam factory last night. The thieves broke in after they realised the door was a jar.

Waiter is taking an order in a restaurant. He asks the customer "Do you have any nut allergies?". Customer says "Cashew". He says "Fucking hell that's a bad'un!".

This year's outdoor activities and aquatic life exhibition had to be cancelled due to lack of interest. A complete disaster, for all in tents and porpoises!

A man was swimming in the sea when an aggressive flatfish bit him on the toe. After a lengthy struggle, he was just about able to shake it off and retreat to the shore at the base of a cliff. Unfortunately for the man, the cliff face appeared entirely intraversable and meanwhile the flatfish was lying in wait for the man, should he return to the water. -He was stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.

Headlines: Manual car wash found to be base of operations for smugglers of illegal immigrants. In other news: -Pope is discovered to be a Catholic! -Bear spotted shitting in woods!

Just been sacked from my new job as a barber. A customer asked me to do a number two all over; apparently that's something to do with the length of cut- very confusing!

Walked by Jeremy Beadle's tombstone the other day, it read: "Hr. ls. Jrmy. Bdl. R.I.P" I couldn't believe it- It was written in shorthand!

I went for a Chinese last night... The little bastard got me order wrong!

Picked up a Chinese last night. -He said, "Aaah, you no do that, you put me down!".

I'm currently reading a book on flypaper... -I can't put it down!