Sickipedia

There was a robbery at the local jam factory last night. The thieves broke in after they realised the door was a jar.

Waiter is taking an order in a restaurant. He asks the customer "Do you have any nut allergies?". Customer says "Cashew". He says "Fucking hell that's a bad'un!".

A man was swimming in the sea when an aggressive flatfish bit him on the toe. After a lengthy struggle, he was just about able to shake it off and retreat to the shore at the base of a cliff. Unfortunately for the man, the cliff face appeared entirely intraversable and meanwhile the flatfish was lying in wait for the man, should he return to the water. -He was stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.

Headlines: Manual car wash found to be base of operations for smugglers of illegal immigrants. In other news: -Pope is discovered to be a Catholic! -Bear spotted shitting in woods!

Just been sacked from my new job as a barber. A customer asked me to do a number two all over; apparently that's something to do with the length of cut- very confusing!

Picked up a Chinese last night. -He said, "Aaah, you no do that, you put me down!".

I'm currently reading a book on flypaper... -I can't put it down!

Doctor, Doctor, every time I play cricket I can't resist the urge to throw food of a sweet or savoury nature, encased in pastry. Sounds like a classic case of pie bowler disorder!

Ha-mind-me Ranger (Rover)

John Torode has been sacked from Masterchef after using an "extremely offensive racist term". He denies having any recollection of doing so. The complainant, former contestant Bocker Glory, has declined to comment.