Sickipedia

They say pick a fight you can win and thats why I've been done for domestic abuse.

At the age of 25, I was a young man looking for a new kitchen but with limited income it wasn’t looking affordable so I crunched some numbers and 30 years later I have a perfectly functioning toaster, dishwasher, oven and a hob all in one that fucks me and all it cost me was a ring.

On this day seventeen years ago, 2,606 went to work, 343 firefighters started their morning shift, 60 police officers started their patrol, and 8 paramedics their shifts, and they all got to finish work before 10 AM!

In all fairness, the Fritzl household would be one of the few actually obeying the lockdown measures.

Walking down the street with my mate who has an unfortunate stutter when we see a fit bird across the road. I said, "What would you give her out of 10?" He said 999, the fucking idiot.

I spent quite a while thinking of a joke about Boris Johnson taking one last shot at prime minister, and here it is: Boris Johnson is running for prime minister

My kids have been getting right on me tits lately, keep stealing my phone and writing rude messages to people on Facebook. Well, you know what they say. If you can't beat em, join em. And that's the story of how I have siamese twins..

Maybe it is just me, but I can only ever sympathise with Adolf Hitler. He gave millions of Jews free clothes and showered 1000 of them per day but is seen as the most evil man ever. Then we have Jesus Christ,"Our lord and saviour" for feeding some cunts a piece of bread.

I find it really strange how all TV hosts can relate to the show they present. Jeremy Kyle had crippling relationship issues, Caroline Flack lamped her fella and Ant McPartlin lived in a jungle... well he thought he did after all the LSD he took.

HIRING NOW! We, the royal family, are looking for a chauffeur to drive our family around. Hours are not negotiable and notice may not be provided. EXPERIENCE: Must have at least 3 crashes and 1 near death experience. Temporary job with the option of being kept on if you fatally injure one of us within your first 3 months.