Sickipedia

My wife left me because of my insecurities. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I was just in the fish shop behind Ryu and Ken... They ordered hadoken chips!

What’s the difference between marmalade and jam? You can’t marmalade your cock up your girlfriends arse!

I can’t stand people who combine two words to make one, like Brexit or Brangelina... Bunch of fucktards!

East ham Law Courts Today.... INCREDIBLE STORY A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a East london courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two adjournments to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to West Ham united football Club , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone

I was hanging on to the cliff face for dear life. “Don’t look down!” said my friend above me. So I started smiling.

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight. I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

F - FACE: Has it fallen on one side? A - ARMS: Can they raise them? S - SPEECH: Is it slurred? T - TIME... to get her knickers down. The rohypnol has kicked in.

I feel sorry for Andy Murray... he's one ugly cunt!

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry... I'll return!