Sickipedia

'The cancer is terminal.' I said to the barmaid. 'I really wish I could switch places with my 12 year old son.' 'I'm so sorry to hear that.' She replied. 'How long does he have?' 'There's nothing wrong with that lazy cunt, I'm the one whose got it it!' I said.

I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend. There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh" But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.

Went to my first meeting of Fight Club last night but I was running late and missed the opening rules. Anyway I really enjoyed Fight Club, and I highly recommend Fight Club.

Seeing all the Celtic fans celebrating winning the Scottish Premiership reminded me of that time I broke open a bottle of champagne after beating my 6 year old daughter in an arm wrestle.

I went to confession this morning. "I simply can't bring myself to like my new paki neighbors." I admitted. "I started a campaign to get rid of them. I've written abusive graffiti on their house, keyed up their cars, and I even posted a dog turd through their letter box." "That's pretty contemptible," came the reply from the next booth, "but aren't you supposed to be listening to me Father?"

I was waiting ages for a bus in the rain the other day. When it finally arrived it was packed and being driven by an Indian man. "Sorry mate," he said through the door "I'm ram jam full." "I didn't ask your fucking name," I replied "just let me on the bus!"

Ahmed goes to the hospital to visit his wife who's just given birth. "It was a bit messy." said the doctor "we've had to put stitches in your wife's vagina. But you have a baby girl." "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?" asked Ahmed. "I'd wait until she's at least 12." "

My dad always said "Be tolerant of others, always respect women, and cleanliness is next to godliness." Lovely bloke, shit Muslim.

How do you find an American woman's vagina? Flip through the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.

I saw a 4x4 attempting a 3-point turn earlier. It turned out to be a 26-point turn during which it collided with a lamp post on one side of the road and a parked vehicle on the other. The windows were blacked out and I couldn't see the driver, but as a proud feminist I didn't jump to any conclusions as to what gender she is.