Sickipedia

Just bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100. What a load of shit. Turns out the seller was dyslexic....

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot. I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?" "That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly. "What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked. "We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

Last week I flew with one of those new budget airlines. Before we took off the stewardess reminded us to fasten our Sellotape

I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory "Have you been taking any tablets?" asked the doctors "Yeah. Why do you think I got the fucking sack?"

Holocaust jokes aren't right..... Anne Frankly there not funny......

I suppose I got what I deserved for punching my mates lights out. Electrocuted.......

One of the saddest moments in my life was being left at the altar. Worst baptism ever.....

I don’t understand why footballers are taking a knee to show support and protest about George Floyd. Isn't this how it all started?

Not keen on this drinking establishment... Landlady's just barred me from the fucking kitchen

When I was a child I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although, I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.