Sickipedia

My wife said she's leaving me because apparently I'm an annoying bastard... ... I almost choked on my vuvuzela!!

During the freezing weather last winter I was looking out of the window, watching a nun walking across the frozen pond when to my horror the ice broke and she fell through up to her neck. Naturally, I rushed over to see if I could be of assistance, but as I neared the hole I found that it wasn't a nun but was in fact a Muslim lady in her traditional niqab..... ... I wonder if she got out alright!!

My wife said that I masturbate too much, so I hit her over the head with my wank sock..... ..... she's due to be released from hospital next week!

What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy? A Scouser doesn't know how to milk a cow!!!

I got caught playing with Ben 10 earlier... ... I got busted by his sister Hannah, 9

"Afghan national stabs British couple and assaults seven other people with knife and an iron bar. So far there is nothing to suggest that this is a terrorist incident....." When are these fucking whinging, do-gooder, left wing, human rights obsessed, soap dodging peace freaks going to wake up and smell the bacon for fuck's sake?!!

What's blue and hangs from a cunt? Boris Johnson's tie

What has 32 legs, 8 teeth, and stinks of piss? The front row of a Cliff Richard concert

What has 32 legs and 5 teeth? The queue outside the methadone clinic

Who says that Liverpudlians are work shy? My mate from Liverpool has got a job at the local abbatoir stunning the animals... ...They've never seen a Scouse with a job before