Sickipedia

I saw a great xmas jumper with a nice pattern of two reindeer screwing. But it was too fucking dear.

Valentines Card : "I’m training to be an astronaut and my first mission is to explore Uranus"

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel." He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent. She hears a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She calls. "It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply. "Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers. "Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?"

Saw the headline "Three people ‘sucked out of apartment windows as they slept’ amid typhoon-strength winds in China". Is it still to early to make the obvious joke ?

Can't help thinking the Mirror headline "Tory MP's rent boy lover was in Britain illegally after being refused entry THREE TIMES" must be fake news. Mark Menzies never refused a repeated entry.

Latest instructions to Japanese navy pilots. "It is forbidden for navel officers to bang their choppers together"

Emma Raducanu withdrew from the Wimbledon doubles match because of "some stiffness in her right wrist". I am devastated; I have been watching her closely on TV. Amazing coincidence about the wrist though.

BBC website headline "Man caught smuggling 100 snakes in his trousers". You can tell it must be in China, where the trouser snakes are particularly small.