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hoffmanassassian

Member since 7 years ago

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Got some great news today! My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!! Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...

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6 years ago-Sex and Shit-Women-Post Rating : 39

I was on a date with this really fit girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie..Then the jet landed.

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4 years ago-Sex and Shit-Incest-Post Rating : 30

When I was a child, I walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 40 minutes of my life

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hoffmanassassian

6 years ago-Religion-Islam-Post Rating : 27

Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.

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Do Chernobyl Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

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hoffmanassassian

6 years ago-Racism-Black-Post Rating : 27

So what if the new Bond is played by a black woman? It’s 2019, and race and gender don’t matter. For Gods sake, Women’s tennis has been dominated by two black brothers for the past 15 years.

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6 years ago-Crime-Abduction-Post Rating : 27

Last night before I went to bed I heard my car alarm set off, so I ran to the window and saw 3 kids running away. Little fucking bastards escaped from the boot again! Damn Peugeot.

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6 years ago-Sex and Shit-Masturbation-Post Rating : 26

Did you know you can burn up to 150 calories through just one single vigorous masturbation session? Still got kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though...

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6 years ago-Wordplay-Children-Post Rating : 24

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure deaf people cheat at charades...

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6 years ago-Sex and Shit-Rape-Post Rating : 24

In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me: "You only have two solutions to everything. You either drink, or make a joke. And Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?" "Depends on the girth," was probably not the best response...

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