Sickipedia

The worst part of being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you are probably Australian,

My grandad went into a nursing home recently, I phoned my nan to see how he was getting on, She said like a fish out of water, what is having trouble settling in I asked. No, he's dead.

My wife divorced me due to my constant and excessive use of the C word. On reflection, it may have been better to find out What her Mums name actually was

I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday. She said surprise me, so I phoned her from Bangkok.

Little tip for people who can't cook, Microwave sprouts for 5 minute, then saute in butter with bacon, THen throw the sprout away

I was chatting to one of my american neighbours, about halloween, i said it was just american crap. He said i should try to embrace american traditions.This year i;m going to give their culture a try. So this halloween any kids coming to my door will be shot.

What do you call a man with 11 pricks? Jose

I just dropped the most disgusting smelly fart I have ever done. In fact, it was so revolting Uber asked if it wants to drive for them.

To all the people who sent me their best wishes last new year, fucking fat lot of good that did,so this year send me vodka or better still money

Nikki lauders death, reminds me of the line the stranglers missed out of their song, no more heros. Nikki lauder he had a car crash he burnt his ears off No more earholes any more.