Sickipedia

our lass says last night put the bins out what around of fucking applause i got from the neighbours... proud to be british

a geordie meets a genie the genie says 2 him you have a wish and 2 answers (A) you have to stop with your lass for the rest of your life or (B)....... Geordie says BBBB..BBB....BB..B..BBBBB.BBBB.BBBBBB

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

Eye eye .. Gordon Banks dead.. i bet he didnt see that coming...

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon. i suppose That’s what happens when you cut corners.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a fucking duck!"

I shouted at my wife while she was in labour: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!" She said: “Stop talking to me you fat bastard!” I mean what does she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it fucking started somehow...

The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 39 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no fucking mat.