Sickipedia

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction? Yoda replies: 'Off course we are'.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it really hard.

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

I went to school with Ivor Bigun nice kid. always boasting about the size of his knob

I walked out of my local shop today and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vicinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."

A Russian agent arrives at a small Welsh station and asks for Mr Jones. “Well,” says the stationmaster, “there’s Jones the Milk, Jones the Meat, Jones the Flowers, Jones the Undertaker. In fact, my name’s Jones.” The agent whispers to him, “The eagle doesn’t walk over the mountain.” “Ah,” says the stationmaster, “you want Jones the Spy.”

I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing. "Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd. "Your thong," I replied with a wink. Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me. It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp

My wife sent me a text last week, "when you get home from work I'm going to strip naked and do a sexy dance for you"... So far I've built up 96 hours overtime......

It was winter in the Scottish highlands and nobody had seen McDougall for a week. A search party sets out and they find the snow up to the roof of his cottage. One of the party goes up to the chimney and shouts, “McDougall, are you there?” McDougall replies, “Aye, who is it?” The rescuer says, “It’s the Red Cross.” McDougall shouts, “Away, I gave last month.”