Sickipedia

If an actress gets offered the role of Miss Marple does she revel in the fact that she gets to play one of literature's most iconic characters? Or does she just shit herself as she realises she's nearly dead?

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?" "Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

Sugar free Werther's Originals; for those paedos who don't fancy fat kids.

I was shopping in Asda this afternoon when I nearly hit an elderly couple with my trolley. They had stopped abruptly right in front of me, the bloke was just about to go up the crisps aisle when his wife grabbed his arm and shouted at him "Arthur! Arthur! Why are you going up that aisle! That's the crisps aisle!" Poor Arthur answered "I quite like the odd packet of salt and vinegar". She came back at him with "I never eat crisps! You shouldn't either! They are so unhealthy!" She glared at him with a look of utter disgust, I reckon she wouldn't have looked more disgusted if poor Arthur had dropped his kecks and shat all over the supermarket floor. Anyway I managed to sneak a multi-pack of salt and vinegar McCoy's into their trolley, I hid it under their jumbo sized multi-pack of quilted toilet paper. I'm starting to feel a bit guilty about it now because she'll never fully trust poor Arthur again. I have visions of poor Arthur locking himself in his potting shed at the end of their garden trying to knock out a crafty one to a badly stained 1984 edition of Razzle magazine whilst she hammers hell out of the door shouting "Arthur! Arthur! I hope you're not eating crisps in there!" Mind you I suppose it's his own fault, I mean who in their right mind would marry someone who doesn't like crisps?

My hamster's dead. Well he's not dead but I've ran out of hamster food so it's only a matter of days really.

My next door neighbour Mohamed was out jet washing his driveway in the pissing down rain earlier, I said "You must be fucking mad doing that when it's pouring down" he replied "well cleanliness is next to godliness" "you're a fucking Muslim mate" I replied "for you cleanliness is next to fucking impossible".

I went to buy a new television in Currys yesterday, I told them I wanted one that was made in Britain. Just as they were scanning it at the till I noticed it said built in Antenna on the box so I made them take it back, there was no way they were going to palm any of that Antennese rubbish off on me.

I thought I saw a Kangaroo in my next door neighbours garden today, it wasn't until I put my glasses on that I realised it was his Greyhound having a shit.

Kate McCann; "Madeleine was hard not to love." Although not someone you'd want to be seen with in a restaurant it seems.

I hate it when I'm walking around the park and a dog shits and people just walk off and leave it. I'm like, "Excuse me, are you not going to pick that up?" They reply with things like, "No, fuck off, it's your dog."