Sickipedia

Madazzahattereboot is another Hannah type phoney, spamming with other people's jokes. Just a heads up so you don't vote for the thieving cunt.

Adele crying at the Grenfell Towers memorial service. I haven't seen a white girl this touched by so many Pakis since the Rotherham grooming scandal.

I tried some of my wife's 'firming anti-wrinkle' cream last night. I thought, if it can sort her ugly mush out, my bollocks should be no problem.

I can already imagine Elton John in surgery - Elton: 'Don't go breaking my arse.' Doctor: 'I couldn't if I tried.'

Liverpool FC are a bit like the EU - Full of foreigners and run by a German.

Cara Delavigne has now come forward and claims she was sexually harassed by Harvey Weinstein. Considering she's got a face like a Gremlin, he was probably just wondering what would happen if he got her wet.

Pet Shop Boy's singer Neil Tennant recently had his phone stolen when he was mugged in Brazil. Luckily he kept the most important part - It's a sim.

The other day, my wife accused me of dressing up as Matt Damon's secret agent character. She must think I was Bourne yesterday.

My mate Dave thinks it's funny to continually stick 1st Class stamps on my back. I asked him when it was going to stop and he told me, 'He'd keep me posted.'

I was comforting a midget prostitute who was telling me her sad life and I put my hand on the middle of her leg. I'm ashamed to say I felt a little whore knee.