Sickipedia

Schoolchildren in the USA are taught to shelter under their desks in the event of nuclear war. Schoolchildren in the UK are taught to shelter under their desks in the event of the Tories.

A week in and there's no sign of the thousands of promised anti-tank weapons and stingers in Ukraine. Did they send them using Hermes?

Ukraine claims that they have killed over 5000 Russian soldiers, but Russia claims that only two have died. Do Russian soldiers have 2500 smaller ones inside?

Is that why the rivers are full of shit?

From the youngest member, 30 year old Baroness Charlotte Owen's maiden speech in the House of Lords: "I must thank the former Prime Minister, Boris Johnson who put a great deal of trust in me" I had no idea that "trust" was a euphemism for sperm.

Wayne Couzens sentenced to 19 months for indecent exposure. That'll teach him.

To: BP, Shell, Centrica, Eon, SSE, EDF, Scottish Power Subject: Most beneficial and profitable relationship Dearest God-fearing friends, I am Kwasi Kwarteng, the recently appointed and most powerful and most excellent UK Chancellor of Her Majesty’s most abundant Exchequer and I have been authorised to release the sum of ONE HUNDRED BILLION POUNDS STERLING free money to deposit into your bank accounts. In order to release these funds, I require immediately a deposit and authorisation fee transferred to the bank account of my employer, The Conservative Party. Payment accepted in all major currencies including Russian Roubles, Cayman Islands Dollars and Bitcoin. I will be expecting to hear from you, Kwasi Kwarteng

Bowelbabe Deborah James' death has boosted awareness of bowel cancer symptoms. Apparently, reduced stool calibre is an important symptom. As I never expected my turds to go to Oxbridge or have a career in the City, I just flushed them. Have I been failing to help them achieve their true potential?

UK Chancellor announces 25% windfall tax on oil company profits, with an investment allowance. Fantastic news! The oil companies will be paying less tax than you.

Why does my phone's predictive text always suggest "Boris" every time I type the word "cunt"?