Sickipedia

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night, when I went upstairs she was lying naked sucking a lollypop, then she stuck it up her vagina. I said, "be careful with that love, you will need it for getting the kids across the road tomorrow."

So to be clear, The next time I make you Breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank You" is all I need. not all this "How did you get in my house"?, and "please don't hurt me"?, business.

I really hate when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off your windscreen.

I was having a blazing row with my son and as he marched out the front door my wife was entering, I shouted to her "I really wish I had wore a condom". "Why? She asked, "and never have had our son? "No, I replied, "because I got his girlfriend pregnant.

Hey girls, don't you hate it when your ex makes you so mad that you want to key his car, but he doesn't drive, so all you can do is bend his bus pass.

Male, premature ejaculator seeks hot girl for romance. Must dress sexy, with big tits and nice pussy lips and..aw fucks sake, forget it.

As they lowered the coffin into the ground, suddenly there was a huge roar of thunder, and a massive lighting bolt that lit up the sky. The old man at the grave raised his head, and said "Well, she's his fucking problem now".

My wife came home the other night and screamed at me, "You had sex with my sister, You twisted bastard, Whats wrong with you"? "Well she was just lying there, naked in my office, I replied, what was I supposed to do."? "The fucking autopsy, you sick bastard" Was her reply. !!

A man came up to me and said "sorry to bother you", I seem to be lost, do you know the Glasgow turn off? "certainly do mate, I replied, "I have been married to her for twenty years.

For Halloween I'm wearing a Pacman costume, And gonna chase women wearing Burka's around town.