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f00tballfan

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If I bring you breakfast in bed, all I expect in return is a simple “thank you”. None of this “How did you get in my house?” bollocks.

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A judge goes to the dentist and says “I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!" "We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

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A man looks over into next door's garden and sees his neighbour digging a large hole. "Why're you digging a hole?" He asked. "Because my hamster died yesterday." replied the neighbour. "I'm sorry to hear that", says the first man. "But why are you digging the hole so big? "Well he's inside your fucking cat."

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I went to France to buy some trousers. But every pair I tried on were either Toulon or Toulouse.

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There was a tap on the door this morning. My plumber's got a weird sense of humour.

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Heard about the new shampoo for pikeys? It's called Go and Wash.

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A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits in the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "Madam," says the dentist. "I think you've made a mistake. This is a dentist's office. The lady says, "No I'm in the right place. Yesterday you gave my husband false teeth, and today, I want them taken out."

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" "With the spoon" says the waiter.

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Q. What sort of pot do you use to cook children? A. A Philpott.

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