Sickipedia

With all this bad news these days it's great to finally celebrate a success story. Congratulations Kensington and Chelsea council for drastically lower crime statistics this week

My girlfriend is so full of shit the local council is offering me free cladding

My wife says my cock is a bit like Theresa May. "Strong and Stable?" is asked "No" she replied. "Promises the best, fails to deliver. And in the end forced to pay. Jokes on her though, my cock is more like Jeremy Corbyn. The kids love it.

What does your wife and your garden have in common? A few good digs now and again does them a world of good

In the news - 'flight delayed as elderly Chinese woman throws coins in plane engine for good luck' Also in the news - 'Isreal announces new Trans-Asian airline routes'

My girlfriend says my racism is getting out of hand and that we could never go to somewhere like Auschwitz. I agree, I'd never be able to conceal my hard on.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night

Now I'm not saying the Irish are dumb... But Dublin is the only place in the world where a mannequin set at a zebra crossing would cause a 2 hour traffic jam.

"I have just selected a Negro man as my new equerry dear Philip" - the queen says to Prince Philip over afternoon tea. Ecstatic, Prince Philip replies - "Fantastic! I do love a good hunt. Charles, get the Winchester"

The queen has appointed the first black man to her staff. It's surprising its taken this long considering her predecessors had loads of black people working for them, particularly in the cotton fields