Sickipedia

Some pig was trying to talk to me at work, asking me questions. I learned my lesson and knew my rights. I was like "lawyer" before he could even open his mouth. He was all, "where do you keep the butter?"

Scientists have been studying the habanero pepper for years, and found that they lie on the 100,000-350,000 Scoville range. Surprisingly, this is only one 10th as spicy as the contents of an Indian latrine.

"Watch this poor woman get brutally fucked by a machine" Amazon's at it with those layoffs again.

I saw a homeless man in a cemetery, kneeling in front of a grave. I said "Morning!" He said, "nah, just taking a shit."

They call it a "political sphere" for a very good reason. If you go too far to one side, you end up on the other.

School: Your child has a cough and sore throat please remove him for class. Me: *skips important meeting to pick up child* School: Your other child now also has a cough and runny nose, please remove her from class. Me: *Picks up other kid* School: We are now placing you under surveillance for your children not showing up for classes.

The News: "Because people of color are invisible, the racism against them is also invisible." Me: "Because Santa Claus is invisible, the Lamborghini I got for Christmas is also invisible. That's why you can't see it."

I was at the cheapest place I could find and afford. There were boxes of old bandages and empty pill bottles strewn between the aisles, some clearly stolen from their packaging. An empty vodka bottle was also on the floor, clearly drunk by one of the previous customers, unbeknownst to the staff. A haggard old lady stood next to me with her shopping cart, stared me in the eyes, looking like she had been standing there all day. When finally made it through the line, he asked “Paper or plastic?” I glared at him, like this dentist was about to rip me off, “I didn’t come in to get a new filling.”

Did you know that a dog can survive up to two weeks without eating? Anyhow, I'm not cut out to be a petsitter.

As a testament for the technological advancements in ancient Egypt, we can clearly see that Cleopatra was bald. ...proving that ancient Egyptians invented chemotherapy.