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I once came home from work to find a complete stranger lying in my bed. . . Well, he wasn't a *complete* stranger - his head was missing.

Q) What does the Pulse nightclub shooter Omar Mateen have in common with the writer and critic Christopher Hitchens? A) He died after smoking a lot of fags.

My black friend told me he was sad about being bulled for his skin colour. So I told him to lighten up.

A little boy is in the park playing with a Buzz Lightyear doll. A paedophile approaches and sits down beside him. The paedo says, “Hi son, what’s that you’ve got there?” The little boy replies, “Oh, he’s my Buzz. He’s really cool! D’you have a Buzz?” The paedo smiles, “No, I don’t. But if you come with me to my car, I’ll let you play with my Woody.”

"You're an angel," he said to his wife, as he shoved the Christmas tree up her arse.

Q) What do you call an African-American private investigator? A) Sam Spade

Asians aren’t just bad drivers, they’re bad pilots as well: During WWII, more than 300 Japanese airmen crashed their planes into ships.

When I warned my gay friend that anal sex causes incontinence, he got all offended and lost his shit.

The BBC are making a new show about Holocaust-related antiques. It's called ''Ash in the Attic.''

Jesus of Nazareth walked on water. But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.