Sickipedia

We've all died on a knackered submarine a knackered submarine, a knackered submarine... With apologies to Lennon & McCartney.

If there is one New Years resolution I regret not carrying out it was in the 1990's. If I'd done Baby Spice up the shitter I'd be out by now.

Storm Dylan is about to hit Britain and the weatherman said "knocking on heavens door"... Look it's not my fucking fault all the relevant songs have already been taken.

So Ringo Starr has been knighted basically for staying alive. Whereas Barry Gibb was knighted for Staying Alive.

Fucking great, Cheggars kicks the bucket and Sickipedia does an imitation of a nigger and refuses to work. All the jokes I had ready have now been done by some other cunt.

Cheggars Goes Pop.

I just bought an Italian Job advent calendar but couldn't get into the chocolates inside. I asked my mate Dave to help and he said tiny bit of dynamite would do it, now there's a fucking great hole in my wall. "Fucking hell Dave" I said, "you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off".

If only John Lennon had written a song about articulated lorries that carried musical instruments and sound systems and lighting rigs. Imagine all the bandwagons...

I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory. I had to send in 2CVs.

Saturday night is beer night at the pub for me but the terrible events in Egypt leaving 305 Muslims dead has really spoilt it. Every time someone mentions it, I laugh so fucking hard I spill my pint.