Sickipedia

I phoned the local paper and said, 'I'd like to put an item for sale, do you have a classified section?' 'Yes' they replied, 'It costs £1 per inch'. 'Fucking hell' I replied, 'It's a 40 foot ladder........'

I was taking my scruffy little mutt for a walk the other day and fancied a pint. Well, the pub had a sign up saying 'Guide Dogs Only' So I put my shades on and walked in. The barman says,' Sorry mate, no dogs, guide dogs only' I replied, 'It is a guide dog' The barman started laughing and said, 'Fuck off, guide dogs are Labradors or Alsatians' I felt down and said, 'What have the bastards give me.........?'

Unfortunately this years charity Pantomime for the local Paranoid Schizophrenic Society has been cancelled. During the first performance proceedings descended into chaos when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you.......'

My wife was discussing sex with her mates at one of their 'Get Togethers'. One of them says, 'I nickname my husband 'The Musician' because he has a huge organ' They all laughed. Another pipes up, 'Mine is, 'The Dentist' she laughs, 'He regularly gives me a good drilling' Again, roars of laughter. My Missus says, 'I call him, 'The Postman'. The girls laugh, 'Why, because he's got a big sack?' she was asked. 'No', she said, 'Because he's unreliable, regularly fails to deliver and when he does usually puts it in the wrong box......'

I get very frustrated whenever I try travelling by plane. I went to book a flight the other day and the clerk asked, 'How many people will be travelling with you?' I said, 'How the fuck should I know, it's your plane.........' She then said, Window seat or isle?' I asked, 'Or you'll what.......?'

I went to see a Psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago because I thought people keep taking advantage of me. He assured me there was nothing to worry about. Anyway, I've nearly finished redecorating the consulting rooms and hopefully should have the office done over the weekend..... Probably a duplicate but I don't try anymore as the search feature is as much use as the Popes knackers.

When I was 12 my Dad warned me that if I didn't stop masterbating I'd go blind. I said, 'Dad, I'm over here.....' Probably a duplicate but I don't try anymore as the search feature is as much use as the Popes knackers.

I was checking into a hotel and there was a vicar in front of me. He says to the receptionist, 'I hope the adult channel is disabled'. Fucking amazing what freaky sex some people are in to..... Probably a duplicate but I don't try anymore as the search feature is as much use as the Popes knackers.

I knew I shouldn't of let the Missus book our holiday, she's shit on a computer. We've now got a week exploring the Norfolk B Roads.......

My daughter in law, Becky, fell over drunk last night and bumped her head, so this morning I thought I'd better check she's okay. I text my son, 'How's Becky's head?' I've just received his reply, 'TBH, I've had better.....'