Sickipedia

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town." The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?" The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad." The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Albert Einstein was a genius but his brother Frank was a monster. Found it on the interweb, sorry if it's old

What do you do when you've finished with a 5 year old girl? Turn her over and pretend she's a 5 year old boy!

Difference between marmalade and jam....you can’t marmalade your finger into a schoolgirl.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and left you so don't bother coming after me." and hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone; "She's finally gone……..yeah I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to pick you up so put on the sexy french sheet. I love you". He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote; "I can see your feet. Stop being ridiculous. We’re outta bread. Put the coffee on.....back in 5".

A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" He said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will disappear"

I wonder if Megan and Harry will call their baby Terrance.. I'll get a 'Terry's Chocolate Orange' in ready for the birth, just in case!

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?” "No girl, that is no longer possible for me” he replies. Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!?” They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and performs 5 times in a row. "Oh my goodness", says the hooker, breathless "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!” Says the old man: “Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible..”

Sorry it's not a joke, but somehow I've clicked a button that gives me a notification every time a certain poster on here puts in a joke... how do I remove it?

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it ! ************************8 Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.! ************************ The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So, I've got her a pair of football boots! ************************ Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup. ***********************! My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm! *********************** Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise! ************************ My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!