Sickipedia

Kim's general: "sir, this is a phone the American's made in the 1940's" Kim: "ah, I think I have the same one" Kim's general: "yeah, great. Anyway, this is the phone they all use now." Kim: "amazing!" Kim's general: "and sir, this is the bomb they dropped on Hiroshima in 1940." Kim: "motherfucker!" Kim's general: "yeah...do you see where I'm going with this?"

"Islamist plot to kill PM foiled." ...Anyone else think maybe we've given the security services a little too much money now?

Ever noticed how the women who say "there's no one right way to parent" are also the ones who have definitely found the fucking wrong way looking at their kids?

"Your honour I was touched as a child by a celebrity." "Who?" "I don't care, whoever's willing to settle."

Was kicked out of the nurse's office today. Apparently I misunderstood when she asked to see if I had an 'innie' or an 'outy'...

"Guns don't kill people." Yeah ok, but do you know how fucking hard you'd have to THROW a bullet to kill someone with it?

If you only look at the news images then mass shooters seem to target only hot chicks. The only way someone with a face like mine would seemingly make onto tv if if I raped and killed one. Not necessarily in that order.

"It's about as funny as waking with semen dribbling from your arse." Or as that copy-paster Hannah calls them, days that end in a Y.

Theresa May's speech interrupted by a guy who hands her a P45. There's no joke involved, that guy is just my new fucking hero and deserves recognition.

Never got round to watching that shooter flick The Accountant, but I hear Vegas is giving it rave reviews all over the news.