Sickipedia

Got arrested at a local restaurant this morning. I totally misunderstood what a bottomless brunch was.

My new girlfriend saw me coming out of the men’s toilets in a pub wearing my overalls and carrying a toolbox: “What the fuck are you doing?” She shouted, “you told me that you worked in protection.” “I do” I replied, “I’ve just fixed their condom machine.”

I said to my mate, “your new girlfriend looks really hot.” “You fancy her do you?” He replied. “Nah mate, I mean she looks like Simon Weston.”

I only needed one more Beatles album to complete my collection, so I asked all my friends. It was pointless though. Nobody could offer me Help.

I was at a fancy dress party recently, and pulled a blonde dressed as a pheasant. She was fair game.

My Nan always says ‘when you pluck out one grey hair, three more grow in its place.’ That still doesn’t stop her handing me the tweezers and dropping her knickers every time I pop round.

My wife’s always telling me that I should treat her like a queen, so today I did. I covered her in bees.

Congratulations to my niece, trampoline champion again!! That’s 3 years on the bounce now.

My wife stood for labour a few years ago. It did not go well. Our son slid out, landed on his head, and has spent his entire life as a drooling vegetable.

“We will, we will rock you!” Awe inspiring lyrics when sung by Freddie Mercury. A terrifying sentence handed down by a Saudi judge to a whore.