Sickipedia

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.” It was all very unsavoury.

Being dyslexic, and always having trouble with my words, my Doctor recommended I take elocution lessons. It went pretty well. I rewired 3 plugs, laid 9 metres of cable, and installed a CCTV system.

When I put my multi-coloured keys down on the table, my mate looked at them and said: “Let me guess, the pink key is for the front door, and the brown key is for the back.” “That’s right” I replied. “What’s that other weird shaped one for?” He asked. “That’s for my anorexic neighbour, it’s a skeleton key.”

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine. It’s our family hair loom.

My son’s new girlfriend has got an awful skin condition. She’s black.

Do you know which two words will ruin a man's life? I do.

My new Bonnie Tyler sat-nav is shit. It just keeps telling me to 'turn around'.

To cut a long story short... use less words.

My wife stood for labour a few years ago. It did not go well. Our son slid out, landed on his head, and has spent his entire life as a drooling vegetable.

My friend was injured recently when someone threw a bunch of herbs in his face. He’s now registered as being parsley sighted.