Sickipedia

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.” It was all very unsavoury.

Being dyslexic, and always having trouble with my words, my Doctor recommended I take elocution lessons. It went pretty well. I rewired 3 plugs, laid 9 metres of cable, and installed a CCTV system.

When I put my multi-coloured keys down on the table, my mate looked at them and said: “Let me guess, the pink key is for the front door, and the brown key is for the back.” “That’s right” I replied. “What’s that other weird shaped one for?” He asked. “That’s for my anorexic neighbour, it’s a skeleton key.”

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine. It’s our family hair loom.

Apparently a nuclear war between India and Pakistan could kill 125 million. Talk about your classic win-win.

My son’s new girlfriend has got an awful skin condition. She’s black.

Do you know which two words will ruin a man's life? I do.

My new Bonnie Tyler sat-nav is shit. It just keeps telling me to 'turn around'.

To cut a long story short... use less words.

My wife stood for labour a few years ago. It did not go well. Our son slid out, landed on his head, and has spent his entire life as a drooling vegetable.