Sickipedia

I was walking my dog in the park when Paul Gascoigne saw my dog. "Awe, he's dead cute," he said, "can I have a stroke?" "Granted!" I said before disappearing back into my lamp.

What do you call the president of Russia standing on a giant savoury cracker? Putin on the Ritz

For World Book day, my 10-year-old daughter dressed in a pen costume that had swastika symbols on it. Her teacher called me into class and said, "What's the meaning of this?" "She's a grammar Nazi." I replied.

R. I. P DFS sale

I was in town earlier when a tramp spouting the message of God robbed me. Beggers belief.

I was listening to Darius's "Colourblind" song. As he sang "you're alive, you're alive", I thought "I may be but you're certainly not!"

Having Ofgem responsible to keep utility companies in line is like having the Mccann's babysit for you.

I volunteer at a charity shop at weekends. The bins are out the back. Well one day, my manager was hoovering the floor with an ancient vaccuum cleaner. She stopped after a while and went to serve a customer on the till. As she went to do so, she said to me "Take that old bag out will you?" Anyway long story short but I've got a date with Hilda, 86 next week.

Times are tough and money is tighter than a feminists fanny so to save money, I started sourcing meat from sources other than the supermarket. As I was sat down to lunch, my miserable wife called me a sick bastard. "What's wrong with eating road kill?" I replied. "Road kill?! Road kill?" She screamed, "You've just ran over my mum and now you're fucking eating her!"

My wife walked in on me masturbating to porn and screamed "You fucking dirty bastard!" "So What," I said, "every guy does it." "Yes," she replied, "but not in the fucking internet cafe!"